Fear of Alone

Last week, I conquered my fear of going out alone. I know this probably sounds weird to some of you, but I hate being alone, specifically alone in public. I think I am such a people person that I don’t like to keep conversation in my own head. But last Friday, I was forced to.

bike

I went to the beach alone…
Rented a bike alone…
Rode my bike several miles alone…
Locked up my bike and shopped downtown Huntington alone…
Got tacos and ate on the beach alone…
Was stalked by a seagull alone…
Read my bible and wrote in my journal alone…
And drove home alone.

Yeah, this sounds a little depressing right? To me yes. But to some of you, this is like a dream. Unfortunately, this day was very difficult for me. I hate it when I am forced to have conversation with myself. I would rather talk it out with a human being. But I realized that this day of alone time was the best thing that I could have done. Although some moments were awkward and weird, I was forced to work through my feelings and emotions by myself. I was lost in my own thoughts and my own arguments. I was trapped into finding solutions on my own. I was with me, myself, and I.

Surprisingly, I found more peace than I thought I would. I was able to spend time with God, the creator of the universe. Especially when I am so often surrounded by noise, this was very refreshing. God seemed so much closer and so much more accessible. God really does move and speak in the silence. Ultimately, by the end of the day, I felt not so alone. I felt as if my conversations now had a counterpart, and my questions now had answers. Life was much clearer and my fear was much smaller.

I still love people, and I still prefer noise. I guess that is just my personality. But I now know that I need to make more time for silence in my life. Alone is good. Alone is needed. Alone helps me to see things much clearer.

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